(upbeat music) – [Narrator] From West
Hollywood California, the only news team that doesn’t know what’s on the teleprompter
before they read it. Anyone who laughs, or
breaks, loses points. This is “Breaking News.” – This, is “Breaking News,”
the show where we don’t know what we’re about to say, and we’re not allowed to smile or laugh. I’m Jessica Crispy. – And I’m Chunky Scoop. The bad boy of the group. And I’m here to serve it up,
piping hot all night long. ‘Til the break of dawn. From coast to coast, doing the most, can’t nobody stop me except for a ghost. Are you nasty hoes ready for some news? – Give it to em Chunk. – Today’s top story. The popular over-the-counter
drug, Flox-I-Tox, Known commonly as “grandma’s musk”, hit record sales earlier
this year as an easy way for elderly women to grow
thick and lustrous facial hair. Like they’ve always yearned for. – That’s right. Previously smooth-cheeked and pathetic, old ladies everywhere delighted in the effects of “grandma’s musk”, slurping the recommended
half-liter serving of the spicy yellow syrup in order to sprout out a beard, goatee,
soul patch, mutton chops, or many other fun and flirty
styles from their face. – I’ll tell you what, if
I were still on Tinder, I’d swipe right, but I’m
not on Tinder anymore because I’m not allowed. If you want to know why, send me a DM. – I’ll send you one right
now, what’s your handle? – Same as always. @cottagecheesebikini. – Now I’m told there
are some pretty serious side effects from this medication. – There sure are. Side effects include: Improvise ten side effects, uh having a face. – Yes, having a face. – God, butt cheeks.
– [Katie] Butt cheeks. – Face leakage.
– Face leakage. – The feeling that you
should call your mum but you never actually get around to it. – That one. – You’re just Nicholas
Cage for a little bit. – Nicholas Cage? – Sinking!
– Sinking! – The memory of the book Matilda is disappeared from your brain
and you don’t know why. – Tragic. – Suddenly, you like Trump, sorry. – Uh-oh.
– And, of course, the big one.
– This is nine. – Yeah, and I’m going to
do a different one for ten. – Okay.
– [Siobhan] Okay. The big one, the big one
happens in California. An earthquake happens, and of course, ten. You look like Katie Marovitch
and I’m so sorry about that. – [Tao] (gasps)
– Hurtful, hurtful, hurtful. – Hurtful. – Scary stuff. Woop, woop, doop doop. You know what that sound means. It’s time for our weekly tech roundup with none other than Pepper Stevens. – Thanks, Chunky. I’m Pepper Stevens, and I’m here to keep you in the loop about the latest gizmos,
gadgets, and more. – Pepper, I don’t think I got your DM. Are you sure you sent it
to cottagecheesebikini? – Move over, Siri, Alexa, and Cortana, there’s a new virtual chick in town. Her name is Paluba, and
unlike other smart speakers on the market, Paluba
does not hide the fact that she’s recording you
24/7 and selling your data. So refreshing, no more coyness or beating around the
bush like with other AI. Paluba is an honest and no-nonsense woman. She constantly listens, has bluetooth and blackmail functionality, and all of her threats
play in rich stereo sound. Paluba! She cannot be turned off
and retails for 580 dollars and zero eight cents,
or upside-down boobs. – I want a Paluba but I’m not allowed. – Why? – Well, I’ve been banned from
using any and all services that require a login,
because my password is always “penis” 40 times and it
overfills the entry for that, which then kind of crashes
every server’s database. – Yes. – Okay. – Any other tech updates, Pepper? – Yes. I just got to try out some brand new kitchen gadgets, for example, I recently made some
Korean fried chicken wings. This was a chicken wing – That sounds bad! What a
gross thing you’re describing! (talking over one another) Hey, cut it out, you’re gross. – You’re a bad cook
and everybody knows it. – Stop it, trash, stop it,
that sounds disgusting! (talking over each other) – I don’t want to talk about that. Thanks so much, Pepper, it’s time now to go to our field
correspondent, Gloot Grizzly, for today’s report. – Thanks, Chump, Chumpy, Chunky. Thanks, Chunky, that’s your name. I’m here in the Sloppy
Joe capital of the world, Sochi, Russia, where hundreds of Sloppy Joe enthusiasts gather every year for the annual Stuff-Your-Face
Greasy Beef Competition. This year’s grand prize? 5000 dollars and a brand new Paluba. – How’s the competition
heating up so far, Glooty? – Well, Jessica, I’m going
to be perfectly honest, the tournament isn’t until next week, but the flights to Sochi were
much cheeper this weekend so I thought I’d take
advantage of the lower fare. They have yet to even set up the arena, but I did ask one woman at the airport what she thinks about
Sloppy Joes and she said, quote, “ID and boarding pass, please.” – Oh, sounds tasty, not going to lie. – If I had to guess,
I’d say it’s going to be one hell of a competition. Back to you. – Thanks Gloot, bring me back a souvenir. – Unfortunately, I’m not allowed. – Oh, why’s that? – Oh, well, I don’t have any money because I had to pay for
my own flight to Sochi, even though it should be a work expense. – Yes, that’s terrible. – Woop woop, doop doop! (laughter) – You know what that
sound means, my darlings. It’s time to wrap up our
program and say good night. – But before we go, we must
announce this week’s loser. – And I’m sad to say, it’s Tao. – [Tao] What? – [ Siobhan And Katie]
Goodnight, and good luck. – This is (bleeped out). – Do you guys what some
Korean fried chicken wings? – Do you have more?
– Do you have it? – Do you have a gluten free version of it, because that sounds pretty great. I can’t have things that are
fried in the same fryer though. – I have Lupus. – Yeah, Katie has Lupus. – I don’t think that has anything to do with the food I’m offering. – Oh.
– Okay. – [Narrator] Like what you just saw? Of course you do, you’re
an informed citizen. Well, guess what? Ten more episodes of Breaking News will be available for you
exclusively on Dropout. Go to dropout.tv and start
your free trial today.